Greetings from Absurdistan

Moving three times is as bad as burning down once, as the saying goes. Now, I have moved more than three times and never burned down. So in March 2021 I bravely dared to do it an eighth time, but only from house number 17a to house number 8. Nothing else changed: still the same street, the same city, the same country, the same planet. No big deal, I thought.

No way: By this I triggered an administrative act!

And I don’t mean re-registering with the residents‘ registration office. Such mundane things are done in no time at all. No, I’m talking about the

LUCID register database of the Central Packaging Register.

What kind of thing, you ask? A good and legitimate question. Unfortunately, I have to go into a bit of detail to answer it:

I sold my first books using the self-publishing process, including through the shop on my website. I commissioned a printing company to do the printing and as I wanted to prevent the freshly printed books from gathering dust or yellowing while they were waiting for their new owners, I had them shrink-wrapped in plastic. When someone ordered a copy, I put the book into a cardboard box, stuck address and postage on it and took it to the post office. In this way, I put around 250 grams of plastic and a kilo of cardboard into circulation every year.

This meant that I was considered a „manufacturer of packaging“ under the Packaging Act (VerpackG) and as such was obliged to register in Lucifer’s database… sorry, the LUCID register database.

In theory, of course, I could have gotten around this by a) leaving out the plastic and b) personally delivering each ordered copy – without the cardboard – to the customers. In practice, however, that would have been a bit cumbersome and because the fun cost me less than ten euros a year, I smiled wearily at the German bureaucracy and went on with my day.

However, I had no idea that I would actually have fun for my money when I informed LUCY – or whatever it’s called – of my new address on March 26, 2021. After that, the following meaningful email fluttered into my inbox at 9:57 a.m. local time:

Oops, a decision! And printed in bold! Not just a simple message: „Ok, we got it. Thanks and goodbye.“ No, a decision!

Very good, that calms me down immensely and by the way: you’re welcome.

Holy moly, there is a separate attachment and something is being issued in it! What the hell…? I admit, I got a little nervous at that point.

Okay, up to this point everything seemed harmless. Nevertheless, I hesitated for a moment before opening the attachment, which read as follows:

Well, we’ve already had that.

Phew, that sounds like: „In the name of the people, the following judgment is issued,“ as if I had just gotten away with it.

Excuse me, several? Guys, I just moved!

Yes! I hereby solemnly swear on all the holy books in the world that I have moved from house number 17a to house number 8. That is the truth, the pure truth and nothing but the truth. Here I stand … no, I sit … and I can’t do anything else. May all the Gods who come into question help me. Amen.

That comforts me again. Then I obviously did something right.

No costs, thank God! So I do not have to sell off my grandmother’s silverware or pawn my canary.

Ah, now it’s getting interesting!

I confess: At this point I was seriously tempted to object… about something… just for fun.

… essentially consisting of a desk, a computer, a bookshelf and a reading lamp…

Strange, I suddenly felt an urgent need to exit the market and retreat to the Fiji Islands under a coconut tree.

„Immediately“ means: without culpable delay. I learned that in vocational school a good forty years ago. This means in consequence: If my computer crashes in the middle of communicating the cessation notice, that is force majeure, therefore not culpable delay and I am off the hook.

Oh, what a pity, I was really keen on reading more of this highly interesting stuff.

Why do you keep repeating yourself?

Of course! It is amazing what mundane things can constitute a fine in Germany, e.g. moving from one house number to another and not reporting it correctly, completely or in time. What else do we have that is nice?

„Any gender“! This is most important nowadays. So all 78 genders – or however many there may be currently – can feel addressed by this babble. Thank you for that. Let’s be honest: your stuff is not even remotely easy to read and the masculine form does not make it any better.

No, thank you, I am done. I do not want any more information. I am completely satisfied.

Conclusion: If I want or have to move again, it would be best to only move from one floor to another so as not to put too much strain on the German administrative apparatus… or I’ll just emigrate.

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